Caitlin Moran
Over 900 restaurants nationwide. Find your nearest now

Let us start from a novel standpoint. Let us assume that, all things considered, the continuing celebrity status of Kerry Katona is a positive phenomenon, and that the launch of her own reality TV show Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love is the moment for us all to admit it. After all, it's not as if Katona is some cosseted, spoilt, privately educated middle-class kid throwing away her privileges in an orgy of self-gratification.
According to her biography, Katona's first memory is, at the age of 4, discovering her mother's attempted suicide, and Katona had passed through four sets of foster parents before reaching her teens. In terms of advantageous psychosocial development, the infant Katona might as well have been put in a small craft of bulrushes coated in pitch, and floated down the Nile. At least then she might have had a chance of leading the Hebrews out of Egypt, and living until the age of 120, instead of shagging Brian McFadden of Westlife.
By the age of 19 she was in Atomic Kitten, and famous. I recall the band's first appearance on The Big Breakfast - or, more specifically, I recall Katona: she came across as one of those teenage girls you see standing on tables in clubs, hollering at people. The ones who blow you away with their energy, until you realise they're super-fast burning and desperately projecting outwards, like a distress signal.
She resigned from Atomic Kitten at the age of 21 - pregnant by Brian McFadden of Westlife - and that was, to all intents and purposes, the end of her productive, working life. Since then, Katona has earned her money from Iceland adverts, I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!, autobiographies and spreads in OK! Just being herself, in other words. Making her life the product - the apogee of which career structure is a reality TV show and, hence, Crazy in Love.
In the first episode, we see Katona and her current husband, Mark Croft, find out the sex of their unborn child during a scan; Katona doing a photoshoot in her knickers and bra, and Katona and Croft arguing. Important themes for the show are established early on - namely that Katona won't really feature her children on camera (not after they're born, anyway: the foetus is all over the place), she and Croft row a lot, and Croft farts incessantly. One is left with the impression that, given the upbringing she had, Katona is - harried-looking, constantly on-call nanny notwithstanding - at least around and not committing suicide in front of her children, earning a living and holding a relationship together: none of which is to be sneezed at in this day and age.
But what, ultimately, are we all getting out of this? For viewers, Katona's life - with its armed burglaries, front-page miscarriages, custody battles, fist-fights with her mother and rehab - is, as with the lives of Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse, like a snuff version of EastEnders. When it spirals out of control, as it so often does, animals, and people, really are hurt during the making of this film.
For Katona the deal is much more pernicious. While it might initially seem like an amazing deal - a girl with no O levels gets a Ferrari in exchange for a little chat with the papers! Who wouldn't sign up? - you only get the Ferraris while “interesting” (ie, generally unpleasant) things often happen to you. Jordan, uniquely, might have made the transition from selling her life to selling the merchandise of her life - branded perfumes, bras and endless novellas - but she is an aspirational figure: striking, married to a good-looking pop star, and with the cold, calculating survival instinct of a lizard.
Katona, on the other hand, comes across like a soft, woundable child on bipolar medication: permanently preg- nant, sartorially unsettled, and with a dented-looking husband primarily interested in cars and shagging.
“You weren't crap darling,” he says, in episode two, when Katona is in tears after an interview with Jonathan Ross. “You answered the questions ... Adequately.”
It's hard to sell the concept that she's living the dream.
And that's why it's hard, ultimately, to argue that the continuing celebrity status of Kerry Katona is a good thing. Because when emotionally damaged people essentially make their lives a company, and float it on the Stock Exchange, it's not just their business that is deemed to have failed in the event of a crash. It's their whole existence. And that just seems like too high a stake for a television show.
Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love, Sun, MTV One, 10pm
The moment your toes touch the sand and your gaze meets water, you know you’re in the Bahamas
Risk, resilience and embracing new technology
Industry sectors news at a glance. Interactive heatmap, video and podcast
The inside track on current trends in the charity, not for profit and social enterprise sectors
Everything the Business Traveller needs to know to make a better trip

Find tickets for:
Shortcuts to help you find sections and articles
05/2005
£13,500
08/2008
£109,950
2005 / 55
£59,500
Great car insurance deals online
Circa £60,000
The Army Benevolent Fund
London
£28k+ Basic + Commission
Drummond Selection
London
12-15 days a year, c £12K
Springboard
London
£Competitive
American Airlines
Heathrow, London
Great Investment, River Views
One and Two Bed Apartments
Wandsworth Town
Times Online Property Search will help you Find It
like nothing on Earth!
.
Must end 28 Feb 2009!
Save up to 25%
Amazing Far East Offers
Visit Malaysia from £755pp
Great travel insurance deals online
.
Contact our advertising team for advertising and sponsorship in Times Online, The Times and The Sunday Times, or place your advertisement.
Times Online Services: Dating | Jobs | Property Search | Used Cars | Holidays | Births, Marriages, Deaths | Subscriptions
News International associated websites: Globrix Property Search | Property Finder | Milkround
Copyright 2008 Times Newspapers Ltd.
This service is provided on Times Newspapers' standard Terms and Conditions. Please read our Privacy Policy.To inquire about a licence to reproduce material from Times Online, The Times or The Sunday Times, click here.This website is published by a member of the News International Group. News International Limited, 1 Virginia St, London E98 1XY, is the holding company for the News International group and is registered in England No 81701. VAT number GB 243 8054 69.
'Jordan' - aspirational? You've gone wrong in the head girl.
Pucci, London,
i don't understand how if life in the public eye is so bad that you would not take the people/children you love and move away. thing is it doesn't seem to be about them ....saddly
simpson, bournemouth, england