The Olympics! Nothing else matters! The media will cover the Games with the usual overflow of patriotic fervour, while the populace sits on its collective sofa absorbing the proceedings like good - and occasionally xenophobic - citizens should. But amid all the beauty, brawn, drugs (allegedly) etc, one question springs up like a gold-medal triple jumper: Could I do that? This relatively satisfying video (blip.tv/file/1128820), which pits two ordinary joes against Olympic standards, answers the question with an obvious: no, of course not, you idiot.

Natalie Portman has made a crazy, trippy, great video with her folk-singing boyfriend, Devendra Banhart (tinyurl.com/6lp9gt). Portman has done a few good short films in the past (Paris, Je T'aime for example), but nothing compares to snakes flying out of her eyes and her graphic transformation into an octopus. Much as you might want to hate the tree-hugging Banhart, his song is good - and it's going straight on the I-pod.

You've really got to feel sorry for actresses. This poor girl was recruited by Extended Stay hotels to advertise their rooms, specifically their cleanliness (tinyurl.com/6gxm4a). Some creatives obviously thought the best way of doing this would be to MAKE HER LICK the whole room. Yuck. Disgusting. Lots of questions left begging as well. Is this an open invitation to all guests? Come lick our furniture, it's that goddamn clean? There's no disclaimer on the advert saying “professional licker only”. What happens if someone mimics the actress, slobbers all over their flat-screen TV, and contracts ebola? Can he sue?

I'm not going to waste words on Paris Hilton's crash landing into the presidential campaign. But if Obama loses it's her fault (tinyurl.com/5z45us). More interesting than Paris, and possessed of a far wider emotional range, is dramatic cat (tinyurl.com/59kp2t). He follows on from dramatic hamster; which became an internet “sensation” more than a year ago (tinyurl.com/23g9so).

Editor's choice

• Vote for the Breakthrough Award winner
• David Tennant back as Hamlet after back surgery
• Matt Smith is the new Dr Who