When my grandfather died last year at the age of 94 our family was struck by
the number and nature of letters, cards and calls we received from people we
didn't really know. It wasn't that he had led a secret double life - it was
simply that during the many years he lived in rural Oxfordshire he developed
numerous casual acquaintances, and a fair proportion of these shop
assistants, neighbours, tradesmen, restaurateurs and the like felt compelled
to contact us. Their messages of condolence came accompanied with variations
on a consistent theme: “What a gentleman!”; “Always so unfailingly polite
and interested”; “Such a lovely, gentle man”; “A true gent!” I relate this
not to be mawkish, proud though I am to come from such stock, but in an
attempt to raise two points. First, the act of being a gentleman transcends
conventionality and surely goes some way beyond basic good manners. My
grandfather was not only impeccably polite, he was genuinely interested in
others, whatever their place in society, and frequently made people feel
quite special through his attention.
The second issue is whether the gentleman in 21st-century Britain is a dying
breed, literally and figuratively. If so, is that because the very notion is
anachronistic, a product of a bygone age that has no great relevance in
today's society? As a counterpoint to rumours of the death of the gent,
Dunhill, the men's outfitter, has commissioned a report that aims to
identify and define the new British gentleman (NBG). It gathers an eclectic
bunch of successful types, including the chef Fergus Henderson, the magazine
publisher Nicholas Coleridge, the fashion stylist Charlotte Stockdale and
Ben Elliot, the co-founder of Quintessentially, a 24-hour concierge service,
and asks them to pin down how this NBG behaves, what he wears and how he
lives.
“Being a true gentleman means being gallant and generous. One can be gentle
but remain firm, determined and retain a great sense of humour,” says
Dunhill's director of brand imagery, Yann Debelle de Montby. The report
concludes that some fundamental qualities remain at the core: good manners,
charm and dignity. It also suggests that the NBG conducts himself in an
accomplished but modest manner and that “stealth wealth and less conspicuous
consumption are the order of the day”.
Old-fashioned good manners - holding open doors, standing up when someone
enters the room, asking questions of others rather than talking about
yourself, ensuring that you compliment your host generously and so on - are
an entry point for respectful behaviour. But it's more about your overall
manner towards others: how one conducts oneself not only socially, but also
in business, in relationships and in public.
As described, the NBG may have unimpeachable credentials, but whether they are
prevalent and even encouraged in the real world is more open to question.
Take the political arena, for example. While politics has at times been
considered a noble pursuit - a duty, even - that idea has long been
superseded by moral flexibility, naked ambition, manipulation and the
pursuit of power. Being a gentleman in politics will get you nowhere bar a
long career warming the backbenches.
Privilege and private education do not automatically confer gentlemanly
status. The revival of “posh” in politics - Eton, Oxford and Bullingdon Club
buddies David Cameron and Boris Johnson are now the two most powerful
figures outside the beleaguered Government - shows no signs of bringing with
it a return to integrity, dignity and scrupulous behaviour. Given the Tory
leader's “flexible” approach to policy and the Mayor of London's dubious
dalliances and noted lack of diplomacy, one could argue quite the opposite.
Traditional class distinctions, increasingly blurred and confused as they are
in contemporary Britain, now carry little weight in dictating an
individual's approach. In a social context, some posh “chaps” who appear to
be the ultimate gentlemen can be the most dismissive, arrogant and shallow
of all, more concerned with upbringing and appearances than substance and
true character.
Equally, wannabe gentlemen from more ordinary backgrounds who adopt the overt
trappings of the old world - the smart suits, the cigars, the clubs - can
simply be dressing up in the appropriate costumes and putting on a
performance. It's not that acquiring a taste for these things is wrong, only
that it must be backed by deeper values of integrity, discretion and enough
innate confidence not to have to shout about it.
“It is ungentlemanly to even refer to oneself as one [a gentleman],” says
Fergus Henderson, the chef-patron at St John in Spitalfields, London. “It is
the sort of thing that should remain unspoken.” Many people still respond to
well-spoken vowels and certain old-world manners as if it reflects inner
qualities, thereby allowing the owner to get away with more (Johnson's
recent election perhaps being the manifestation of that on a grand scale).
It's also evident in commentators' attitude to Raef Bjayou, the coiffured
dandy from the current series of The Apprentice. On the basis of one brief
intervention in defence of a bullied female colleague, a rarefied air and
upright bearing, he is being hailed as something of a posh pin-up and
potential series winner.
But in my eyes Raef is a parody of a gentleman - a concoction of
pocket-handkerchiefs and elocution that will crack under serious scrutiny.
Perhaps I'm wrong and he'll prove the real deal. But if so, I doubt that
he'll make it much farther in the competition, because the format is
structured to discourage self-effacement, mutual respect, honesty and
teamwork. It's fundamentally ungentlemanly. As Coleridge points out:
“Nothing is more unattractive than one person grabbing all the kudos.” For
sure, The Apprentice is designed primarily to entertain (a job it does
brilliantly). But if it reflects the real business world at all, it
reinforces the notion that respectful, dignified behaviour is losing out to
cut-throat capitalism.
Trevor Pickett, the owner of the eponymous luxury leather goods brand Pickett,
aims to do business “the right way”, but fears that he's in a minority. “The
idea of being a gentleman in business is definitely dying out,” he says.
“But when your back's against the wall in any industry you fall back on the
relationships that you have built with people. You can't do that if you've
just screwed them on price, for example. That's just not the way we do
things.”
The NBG no longer has to dress in a prescribed uniform - the codes that used
to help to define “one of us” are less formal and less formalised than in
previous incarnations. Similarly, the private members' clubs to which this
male elite might belong have changed from The Garrick and White's, with
their deep armchairs and fine claret, to the networking hubs and spasof
Cowley Manor and Soho House New York, as well, perhaps, as the new Homes of
Alfred Dunhill establishments.
“Being a gentleman is an understated and very English quality that is not as
prevalent as it used to be or should be,” says Patrick Grant, the
36-year-old director of Savile Row tailor Norton & Sons and a definitive
modern gentleman himself. With its bespoke-only service and suits costing
from £3,000 upwards, Norton & Sons attracts a high-achieving and
discerning clientele. But are they true gents?
“Very much so,” he says. “There are a few ‘barkers', as we call them - people
who snap instructions at you. But 95 per cent of our clients are genuinely
charming and astonishingly well-mannered gentlemen. They are not necessarily
all from upper-class backgrounds, but they are all successful - and they're
the sort of people who take the time and trouble to thank you for your time
and trouble. That sort of approach counts for a lot in my book.” So there is
hope yet that the gentleman may survive, and even thrive. But he's not as
easy to spot as he once was, because outward signs are no longer such a
reliable indicator.
However, the next generation of widely respected gentlemen in Britain is likely
to combine conventional success with 21st-century concerns such as hands-on
parenthood, ecology, community work and social reform - whether on a local
or global scale. As David de Rothschild, the 29-year-old ecology campaigner
and adventurer, says: “Respect for each other goes hand in hand with respect
for the planet we have inherited.” He and his peer group can finally move
beyond the Thatcherite admiration for ruthlessness in business and
elbows-out upward social mobility. They may also come to reclaim the notion
of “respect” from its bastardised street use, where it is so frequently used
as a tool for aggression.
“How as a society we have got to a point where it's OK to be surly and rude, I
don't know,” says Grant. “But I think people are now questioning general
behaviour towards each other, so there's a chance that good behaviour -
being a gentleman, if you like - will make a comeback.” And so say all of us
...
How to be a (modern) gentleman
1. Some things don't change: say please and thank you and ask questions about
other people rather than talk about yourself.
2. Be punctual. Tardiness does not make you look important, it turns you into
an arrogant incompetent who thinks that his time is more important than
other people's.
3. The modern gentleman cares about the planet. Be environmentally aware (but
not obnoxious about it).
4. Open doors for people and stand up when they enter a room, but do this for
men as well as women. The modern gentleman doesn't treat women like
porcelain.
5. Be modest. Bragging is distinctly ungentlemanly.
6. Be a good father. Nothing is less charming than a man who leaves childcare
to women.
7. Be honest about wherever you have come from in life. Pretension is
spineless.
8. Flirt - with everyone. Good flirting is a form of politeness. Pay
compliments and put your companion at ease.
9. Do not phone/text/check your BlackBerry incessantly.
10. Dress tidily. Whatever style you are going for, scruffiness just isn't in.
How lovely to read this. Compare with the Alpha Mummy. my husaband is a true gentleman. We are bringing up our son age 12 and daughter age 10 with the old value and respect which we value. unfortunatly this is seen by others in their age group and parents as been a weak and uncool. Luckly we dont
terry, berks,
Gentlemanliness surely begins by delineating one's character, no rather than yes. But the livelihood and self-fulfillment of the gentleman are threatened in a world where loyalty and commitment give way to the get rich quick and trust one ethos. And we know where that comes from, don't we? The US...
Kirby, Cheshire,
It's great being a gentleman... what is missing is that a number of women these days do not want gentlemen to exist. I was taught to open doors for anyone, but I think probably about 30% of all women either say nothing or refuse to go through the open door when I let them go first.
Jez, Stratford,
I think that more and more men in Britain are concerned about appearing to be an Alpha male, thus they believe that arrogant and rude is the way to be. They don't realise it's the other way round, gentlemen are the ones in charge. I've met only one in the UK, the rest can be found overseas!
Adrian, Cardiff, Wales
A true gentleman is one that behaves properly and respectfully ALL of the time, not just when it suits him or when he is doing it for an attractive woman or in front of a group of friends. It is a matter of self respect, respect for your fellow man and nothing at all to do with your clothes or $$.
Mr Kleen, Boston, MA, USA
Chivalry still lives in Tennessee, but even here in the very traditional South it seems on the decline. As a history teacher, I devote time every year to point out great gentlemen, and true ladies, and to encourage my students to emulate them.
Douglas L. Van Neste, Millington, Tennessee, USA
“. The modern gentleman cares about the planet. Be environmentally aware (but not obnoxious about it)"
That's a little ambiguous. Be a casual tree hugger or someone who chuckles when he hears pseudo scientific banter from nutty vegan or vegetarian females.
Troy, Tokyo, Japan
"a gentleman is never unintentionally rude." women like a gentleman-- and i suspect men do too , though they don't often say so. and don't forget the american version-- the "southern" gentleman. a few still exist.
dennis kearney, lille, france
Women have to allow men to be gentlemen. I decided that I would let men hold doors, carry things for me and let them be gentlemen. It has been a very pleasant surprise to see how eager they are to be pleasant. Articles like this may change the way of the rude world we live in.
EA, London
Elisabet Agar, London, UK
respect is fallen down to live and let live
how much of well mannerism would u say is propotional to inner integrity?and if it is in an "ideal" gentelmenly behaviour what has £3000 suits got to do with it?
rohan, london, uk
My gentlemanly conduct seems only to be recognised by the foreign ladies who work at a certain cafe chain in central London. All those free coffees are becoming a little embarrassing!
Give it out and you get it back. Manners included.
John, London,
Yes! Ladies, lets take this challenge on! Let us smile politely and shake hands firmly, hold ourselves with grace and dignity, without losing our inner strength- we don't need to be weak and silly to be ladylike. And Hoorah to timesonline to this most excellent call to action!
Elizabeth, BrRisbane, Australia
Sadly, even women seem less interested in "gentlemen" today; "bad boys" are all the rage now. Add this to the class issues associated with decorum (too middle class if you try too hard; too upper class if you seem too assured in your manners and mannerisms), and one sees why men have given up trying
Mr Marshall, Cambridge, United Kingdom
"A Gentleman is never unintentially rude"
(and the use of language inappropriate for the context is a form of rudeness)
Andy, Rayleigh,
Standards dropped in the 60s when let it all hang out was the go.. Females are largely to blame,
Females come in all colours shapes and sizes, sadly, there are very few women, which is why I think, many men behave ungentlemanly.
Women must resea the standards, females won't or can't.
carol armytage, Sydney , Australia
Gentlemen always carry a clean handkerchief....and use it when necessary and turn away when they do. Having one and blowing your nose in the face of others is definitely impolite and un-gentlemanly.
Joemash, Mansfiled, USA
We are 60. We had instilled into our being the need of manners as the outward face of Courtesy. On our visits, we saw such acts bring delight to our hosts. We heard it was so rare and pleasant, which saddened us a bit. Happy are we to see Courtesy returning to the land that defined the Virtue to us
Name Withheld, Milwaukie,, United States of America
I remember as a child, my father telling my brother to always act gentlemanly, 'Like those great British men. That's how you oughta act, be polite and be firm." Chivalry has always been associated with the British though, and it's a shame to see it slowly dying.
Isabella, Orlando, FL
Good article. Sadly modern mores see Gentlemanliness as outdated and stuffy, hence its demise. Agree with your idea of updating the style though (NBG) but really not sure you can say it has anything to do with caring for the environment, important though that is.
Guy, London,
A Gentleman is not soft. He is tough. He has the highest personal standards and does not let fashion or pressure affect those standards. He is unfailingly concerned for the welfare of others and always polite. He will stand up for the weak and hate injustice. I am just describing my Grandfather.
Alex C, London,
Good article. I’ve been living in UK for more than 20 years and I can see the gradual erosion of once famous British gentlemenship. It is about time to bring it back into the British society. Ohh, I don’t agree with 9. It should be “Respect: Respect others and you’ll win respects for yourself”.
Luo, London, UK
It depends on how you define a "gentleman" I prefer the traditional usage of the word to signify a rich landowner, who lives a life of leisure, has been well educated, comes from a gentile family and who enjoys hunting, gambling, high society and often military service.
Dan, Winchester, UK
In spite of #5, I post the results of a ReadersDigest (Canada) global test of couurtesy :
So, which city emerged as the most polite in the 35 countries: New York, Zurich, Toronto.
New Yorkers placed in the top five in all three tests and were particularly polite when it came to holding doors open.
Bruno , NYC,
I agree entirely with the artical. Most importantly a Gentleman, a true Gentleman, is aware of others and treats them with respect. My fathere had a definition of a "true gentleman" ......a chap who gets out of the bath to have a pee
Robert Davies, Southport, Merseyside
Nick - I couldn't agree more. Why can't women act like ladies instead of ladettes? For the women who moan about not being able to find a man who treats them right - act like a lady if you want to be treated like one.
You don't have to be wealthy to have good manners and social graces.
Imelda, London, UK
Unfortunately, the blights of modern culture like celebrity obsession and consumerism are overwhelming the average man and woman, making them more stupid and less refined. A true gentleman or lady is smart (both senses of the word), well travelled, discerning, charming and unflustered by anything.
Rocco Bocaloca, Austin, US
Being a true gentleman has nothing to do with your financial state (and not status). It comes from within regardless of your education, what you do, whom you know or the clothes that you wear. The how to's are all true.
Pieta, Cape Town,
A much needed resurgence in gentlemanly behaviour would surely turn the tide of social degredation, sadly so prevelant in modern society.
Perhaps inspirational chaps would convince today's youth that there is more to life than diamante and baseball caps?
And 3 piece suits should be mandatory..
RY, London,
I can't imagine what would possess someone to think that Americans are well mannered and polite. I've lived here over 30 years and have found it quite the contrary. Rather than the East Coast being a bastion of savoir faire, Boston is full of the rudest people I've ever met.
PFAA, San Francisco,
If one were to vacate his seat on modern public transport, more than likely the closest standing person to sit would take the seast. How does one ensure that the place vacated is taken by the female intended. Or indeed, what if another female was to quickly spot the vacancy and sit instead?
gmac, Kassel, Germany
I don't agree with the modesty part (point 5).
Being (or trying to be) a gentleman calls for very high standards that he has to consciently live by. It would be hypocritical to be modest in these circumstances, wouldn’t it?Ungentlemanly as it may seem I refuse to be an hypocrite.
Rui, Lisbon, Portugal
I recall some twenty years ago someone, in a competitor newspaper, defined a gentleman as a person who used the butter knife even when dining alone
Dan Burnet, Goomeri, Australia
How I agree with your article about the demise of the gentlemen & indeed the lady. We should all remember good mannners are important as is thought for others, stop rudeness, let us all strive to interact with less hostility after all politeness costs nothing gentle folk were not always rich.
Margaret Smith, Coventry,
Men will play to the expectations of women.
If women are on the whole as unlady like as they are today, it is not only to be expected that men drop their standards, it is actually socially expected. A gentleman today is considered at best, old fasioned and at worse, a bit effeminate and soft.
J Nowland, Leeds, United Kingdom
I always understood that the distinguishing feature of a gentleman is that he always strives to make others feel at their ease.
Roy Pinney, Weston super Mare,
Being a gentleman is fine, and certainly I was raised to behave in a gentlemanly manner, however if men are expected to be gentleman, is it fair to expect women to behave like ladies?
NJ, Colchester, UK
Gents are a dying breed in the UK...but they still thrive in the USA, particularly on the East coast.
Who would have thought 50 years ago that good manners and politeness would now be found in the USA rather than here?
Andrew, London,
Army Officer Fan?!Oh dear, having dated an Army Officer, I can say define gentleman as "Cad, Dandy and Cheat!" They're not exclusive with their ladies, I witnessed it and was subjected to it! What goes on in the Garrison, stays in the Garrison;so don't be fooled by having the car door opened for you
Claire, London, UK
Applauds Nick Mortimer ... Beat me to it .
Benzo, Nr Chelmsford,
Being a gentleman is achievable, but being sneered by today's 'wimmin' for offering your seat2a lady makes the effort pointless & degrades the respect & politeness shown.
A woman doesn't have2accept the seat if she feels too 'modern' - nor should she grab it with unseemly haste!
We need 'ladies'2!
PP, Lon, UK
Sadly, gentlemanly behaviour is now the target of "inverse snobbery", whereby it seems sociopolicially acceptable to pour scorn upon a man who is seen to be endeavouring to behave in the manner described in this article.
Daniel, South East, UK
W Drew, is no gentleman. "But in my eyes Raef is a parody of a gentleman - a concoction of pocket-handkerchiefs and elocution that will crack under serious scrutiny. 7 Be honest about wherever you have come from in life. Pretension is spineless." Know your place and stay there is ungentlemanly.
Kate G, London,
Fantastic article, totally agree..only wish everyone was this way!
Lewis, Essex, UK
Being a gentleman is not only about manners, presentation and do's and don'ts: it's about values.
Maurits Kalff, Cape Town, South Africa
I agree with Andrew from Cirencester - but are the media clever enough to make good manners a selling point for their papers and magazines?
John Williams, Cardiff, Wales
OK, gentlemanly behaviour sounds a good idea to me, I shall try to adopt it.
I'm a woman though - I assume this will not be a problem, except with the fatherhood.
Pav, London,
Marc in Paris,
Au contraire mon brave, it is precisely and singularly how a gentlemen behaves that defines him. Where you come from doesn't matter, it is how you are that counts.
As for the Army Officer Fan in Bristol, Ding Dong Princess you are bang on.
I remain Sir
etc
Dave St Peters, London,
On a coarser note, Freddie Truman used to say that a gentleman was one who stepped out of the bath before going to the lavatory.
ColinG, Doha, Qatar
British Army officers are the best gentleman I know. Their manners are impeccable, they are charming, sexy and always beautifully dressed for any occasion. They leave every other man standing. Wonderful!
Fan, Bristol, UK
How can a gentleman possibly be a proper gentleman without the aid of a gentleman's gentleman?
Jeeves, c/o Junior Ganymede Club, St James's, London
Nick Mortimer, you have got it all wrong. A gentleman remains a gentleman, whomsoever he's with and however that person behaves.
Marc, Paris,
I like the definition of a gentleman as someone who can play the banjo but doesn't.
Jonathan, London,
Well done! The media can actually do a lot to promote good manners and behaviour as a 'lifestyle choice'. The more articles like this that we see (and fewer articles about badly behaved celebrities), the better.
andrew, cirencester,
For British men to start being gentlemen again, British women have to start being ladies again
Nick Mortimer, London,
The headmaster of my prep school addressed us at assemblies often referring to 'gentlemanly behaviour'. Some boy of considerable courage once put up his hand and asked what a gentleman was. After a long pause he heard the confident reply 'One who is recognised as a gentleman by other gentlemen'.
Molesworth, Llana de la Cruz, Spain
With regard to No. 2, if it is a social occasion, I would add that arriving early is equally as bad as arriving late. If a business meeting or lunch with another, then arriving early can be a moment of relaxation, in the case of the latter, with a drink at the bar. As for 9, don't take it with you.
David Cunard, Los Angeles, United States
Can I add to the above:
11. Drive quietly. Revving and vrooming your car is shouting and shows lack of self-confidence. It is also anti-social behaviour, definitely undeserving of the description of gentleman.
Mr Darcy, London,