"Gosh, that's brave,” said a colleague when I announced that our 11-month-old
daughter would be going to nursery. With her words still ringing in my ears,
my husband and I pushed Martha, dressed in pink gingham, uphill towards the
nursery to start her first day fighting for attention in a roomful of
mewling, crawling, toddling creatures.
Photographs of smiling children plastered the walls, toys were scattered on
the floor and the air smelt faintly of stale food. Women busy with their new
charges prepared to take Martha from us. When we could bring ourselves to
hand her over, she looked back with a questioning smile as we left, blinking
away our tears.
That week our “key worker”, as the substitute nursery mother is known, told a
friend that she thought Martha was coping with the change better than her
parents. She was right. When I arrived, heart thumping, to pick her up on
that first evening, her happy face was covered in glitter and on her
scorecard the “day in the life of Martha” was marked “very good”. She never
cried. I sobbed for a week.
I am not alone. To working mums, the adage that a mother's guilt begins at
birth is well known. For many, like me, it will strike hardest this month
when their maternity leave ends and they hand over their precious charge to
a nanny, childminder or nursery for the first time. According to the Office
for National Statistics, more children in England and Wales are born in
September than in any other month and, although no studies have been carried
out, there is anecdotal evidence that more women than ever are taking
advantage of the new full year's maternity leave entitlement (of which the
first 39 weeks are statutory pay), which came into force in April last year.
Thankfully there is a wealth of information to help you to negotiate the
trauma at the end of maternity leave. A nursery is often the most realistic
option because of the expense of nannies and the difficulty of finding a
nanny-share. It's a decision with which mothers wrestle for months, and the
change in routine can be tough not just for mother and child but for the
whole family, says Paul Evans, a manager for Kids Unlimited, which has 49
nurseries in Britain. “Ninety-nine per cent of settling-in visits are done
by the mothers on their own, so the dads get only the highlights, which are
normally negative,” he explains. “It can be hard for the dad because he is
one step removed, but it's also difficult for the mother because she is
anxious about returning to work. Often she is going back the same day and is
worried about how she will cope.”
A settled parent leads to a settled child, and Evans's advice is to try to be
as relaxed as possible. While mothers often want to keep their children by
their side for as long as they can before returning to work, he suggests
that both benefit if the child is settled a few weeks beforehand. The same
goes for breast-feeding: the worst settling-in is by those children whose
first experience of a bottle is in the nursery, he says.
But how easily children settle may also depend on their age. If they are under
eight months they will probably not have developed “attachment issues” and
will show little concern at being left with a stranger; by the age of 2 they
will understand that you are coming back. For those in between these ages
however it can be traumatic. The trouble is that most children left in
nurseries are more than eight months old, as more mothers take a year's
maternity leave, so the child knows that spending ten hours away from home
is not the norm. The older they are, the more painful the transition can be.
“We tend not to see babies under six months now,” says Evans. “They tend to
be from about ten months old. We used to have a lot more full-time babies.
Now the average is three days a week: bookings go down as maternity pay
increases.”
Children don't stay upset for long, says Evans, and nurseries have strategies
to help them. If the child is still traumatised after a few settling-in
sessions, the nursery will arrange extra sessions, then suggest that items
from home are brought in - maybe the mother's pyjamas, a toy train or a
computer mouse-mat with a family photo on it.
Dr Kathy Sylva, of Oxford University, has written extensively about nurseries
and their effect on children. Last year her study of 101 toddlers from
England's poorest neighbourhoods concluded that staying in nurseries for
more than 30 hours a week could damage boys aged under 5 and make them
aggressive and anxious. Such studies are seized upon by middle-class
parents, keen to prevent any long-term damage to their offspring, as a good
reason to pay for a nanny - which can cost as much as £50,000 a year in
Central London.
Sylva insists though that for the vast majority nursery represents only a tiny
risk. In a two-parent, middle-class household in which one parent works and
both read to their children, it can do a child good to attend nursery. Not
only has evidence shown that early exposure to viruses can reduce the
likelihood of a child contracting leukaemia, but he or she may do better in
the classroom. “Children sent to nursery are more sociable, and after the
age of 2 they have better cognitive outcomes,” she says.
But for those few children who don't settle after months of trying, what is
left? Emma Knights, co-chief executive of the Daycare Trust, says that
outside London most people who don't choose nurseries opt for childminders.
She urges parents to put childminders higher up their list of priorities:
they have to be Ofsted-regulated (so they can't sit and watch TV all day)
and checked by social services.
As with a nanny, when choosing a childminder parents should ask many
questions, talk to other parents and establish that they can walk in at any
time to check on their child. They also need to know that the child will be
taken out in the day. They should check if the childminder has
qualifications and is a member of the National Child Minders' Association
(NCMA).
“Ofsted has found that those with the support of NCMA are doing well, while
those without it may be struggling and not understand development issues and
play,” says Knights. “You have to be very choosy: it is the most important
decision you make before your child goes to school.”
Parents on a low income can apply for a working tax credit to meet up to 80
per cent of their childcare costs. Knights says that Jobcentres can
calculate whether these credits will leave you better off. Everyone else,
she says, should look at childcare vouchers, which most employers offer and
for which each parent may claim back up to £243 a month in tax.
In our household, the agonies are now over. A month into nursery and Martha is
thriving, having still never shed a tear - and even I can cope myself. Just.
How to avoid the sorrow of parting
Mothers going back to work often have an almost overanxious relationship with
their child, because they are counting down to their last days together.
Being a parent is about preparing your child for leaving you as an adult. But
this move to independence can start from a very early age. So if your child
is going to be away from you as a baby, you must be very relaxed about
leaving her with a friend for a few hours, with granny or for sleepovers.
If you have done that by the time she gets to nursery, she understands the
idea of separation better than children who have been held very close by
their anxious mothers, who are living with the guilt of the impending
separation.
Once you have decided to go back to work, you must not infuse your child with
your emotions. It's difficult. But it's difficult the first day that he goes
to school, the first time that he goes camping and the first time that he
goes on a bus alone. If you leave in tears, you make it stressful for your
child and for the nursery staff.
Don't give the key workers chapter and verse on your child's likes and
dislikes.
One of the positives about nursery is that children become adaptable and
flexible, so you must expect things to be done differently from home. And
that's not a bad thing.
Fifty years ago, children were in and out of other people's houses. It was
normal. That was the way communities worked. Every house was different but
your parents picked you up at the end of the day, they put you to bed, they
loved you and the world was great. Now we have adopted “zero-risk parenting”
and hold on to our children so tightly that we fear any shift from our
routine. Instead we risk producing neurotic adults.
As Hillary Clinton said - quoting an old African proverb - “It takes a village
to raise a child”. But we have lost that village, so nurseries have become
the modern equivalent. If a child sees that you are relaxed with the staff,
there is a consistency in his or her life. If, however, he sees you going in
frothing at the mouth because Johnny has been bitten by another boy, he will
be anxious - so it's about being relaxed while ensuring that the standards
remain your own.
As long as the core relationship with you is consistent - and when at home
your energies are devoted to your children - they will probably thrive at
nursery.
DR TANYA BYRON
poor pampered upper middle class toffs. stay at home if life is that bad, do what most of us that need to work do, just deal with it.the child will cope better than you think and will benefit being away from toffee nosed parents who pamper vtheir kids.
helen, chelsea.,
At last a fair and balanced article on childcare.
Ann, London,
I worked at a nursery school for many years and always used distraction as a way of coping with upset children until we had some training which taught us to acknowedge the childs feelings and it works so well.The children look at you with relief that you have realised how hard it is for them .
Helen Beklevic, Warwickshire, uk
Yeah its always hard when someone takes your toys! GROW UP!
Pete, St Albans, England