Suzi Godson
Give yourself a break, honey. New relationships are such an exhausting
combination of excitement and angst that most women would never get past
first base without a bit of Dutch courage. Dating tends to happen in pubs
and restaurants where alcohol is a key feature, and “getting to know
someone” is such an incredibly stressful experience that there is a genuine
need for disinhibition.
Before a woman is ready to invest emotionally she needs about a million
questions answered. Is he single? Is this just an opportunity for casual sex
for him? Does that matter? Are we talking potential cohabitation? Or, deep
breath, could he be the one? And what about kids? Is he fertile? Does he
always wear a baseball hat?
That's just the stuff that runs through a woman's head at home in the
bathroom, trying to work out whether her blue eyeshadow clashes with her
earrings. By the time she gets to the pub for her first date she is either
walking up the aisle or ready to beat him over the head with a rolling pin
and there is only one legal way to disengage the inner critic intent on
sabotaging her only chance of happiness. Vodka.
Romance and alcohol have been inextricably linked since time immemorial. And
for good reason. The level of expectation that clutters up a woman's psyche
can beat a fledgling romance to death in minutes, if it weren't for the
benevolent hand of Bacardi. It is a scientific fact that alcohol temporarily
makes everything, even the baseball hat, look rosé. In 2002 researchers from
the Universities of St Andrews and Glasgow spent taxpayers' money proving
that men and women who consume a moderate amount of alcohol find the faces
of the opposite sex more attractive than do their sober counterparts.
Consume between one and four units and the target of your affections looks
25 per cent more attractive; between four and 20 units and you run the risk
of waking up next to Bubbles DeVere from Little Britain, and having to chew
your arm off so you can get out of there before she goes in for round two.
Though you have reservations, and possibly hazy memories as to how you have
arrived at this particular point, don't be too hard on yourself. Booze has
served a purpose for you. You felt shy and it made you feel less so. Great.
And now you have a boyfriend who obviously likes you, and you obviously like
him, which is super-great. Take it from there and don't look back.
As for having sex when you are sober: this Saturday, instead of rushing home
in case he sees you with your eye make-up halfway down your face, take a
risk, snuggle in under his arm and say “sod it”. When he makes love to you
in the morning, sober and panda-eyed, you have taken your first tentative
steps into the comfort zone, a blissed out state in which all your critical
faculties are suspended indefinitely. Enjoy!
Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible
(Penguin, £16.99)
Dr Thomas Stuttaford
In Ian McEwan's novel Chesil Beach, the main characters' romantic love for
each other was shattered, and their marriage foundered irretrievably, once
they reached the marital bed. It wasn't champagne that did for them, in fact
Edward might not have had such a disastrously premature ejaculation if he
had had a little more alcohol. Whatever the immediate cause of the disaster
the trouble at the root of it was inexperience.
In 1962 such ineptitude was common but is now less likely to trouble
newlyweds. Even so, despite the change in sexual mores, vaginismus is still
more common than is supposed, initial embarrassment almost universal and
premature ejaculation rife.
Men are also often on edge when they first have sex with a new partner. Both
men and women fear being judged and to be found wanting as lovers. Few
people enjoy exams, job interviews or public speaking but none of these
occasions is as stressful as the appraisal of a new lover. Fortunately for
men, their pleasure at finding that a new lover reciprocates their feelings,
and the sight of her with her clothes off helps to overcome any
timorousness. Men are usually so grateful that their passion is returned,
that they are unlikely to be critical of what the woman imagines are her
shortcomings.
To lessen your embarrassment with a new lover set the scene carefully. Your
own flat will make you feel more in command. Your self-confidence is likely
to be more dependent on getting the right lighting than on how much alcohol
you serve. Go for candles as they hide imagined imperfections. Women seem to
swear by fragrance, but not too much, as a mood enhancer. Keep conversation
light and avoid controversial subjects. Don't have a heavy meal. Seduction
is never made easier by having to wade through roast beef, Yorkshire pudding
and two vegetables, followed by apple crumble.
Alcohol relaxes inhibitions and lowers barriers. Remember the old ditty about
strong drinks: “Don't exceed two at the most, with three you will be under
the table and with four under your host”. Few deny that alcohol is a social,
and therefore sexual, lubricant but in excess it is physically disabling for
women as well as men. Men may become impotent but equally, excess may render
women, however enthusiastic, dry and incapable of achieving an orgasm.
Finding the correct dose is the clue to losing embarrassment but still being
sober enough to be physically responsive. When I was in general practice my
wife and I once had a fellow doctor to stay. He and his girlfriend
frequently ate with us. After a short while he asked me discretely if I
could watch his girlfriend's alcohol intake. With little alcohol she was
painfully shy, embarrassed and too inhibited to make love. Conversely with
too much she became hugely enthusiastic but totally unresponsive physically.
My colleague had learnt from experience that two large glasses of wine was
ideal. I poured out the claret with great care and must have judged it
correctly for their stay with us was a happy one.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working in a
genitourinary clinic
Blame it on the British culture. Excessive consumption of alcohol does NOT make you "cooler" or more daring.
mae, sydney,
married 35 years and together 37 yrs. he still fancies me and I dont fancy him. we love each other. we have just got one grandchild together. what about the sex that isnt happening? help please.
joan sinanan, york, yorkshire
A heavy meal followed by "playing the bedroom scene" is not just unhealthy, it's positively unhygienic. Would make more sense to have sex in the afternoon, have a sleep and then go out in the evening. Eliminate that "will she, won't she" tension. No looking down her front, no salacious anecdotes ..
Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan