My boyfriend and I have become masters at breaking up and reconciling. The latter is largely down to me, and I wonder if I’m guilty of the unrealistic expectations our culture can engender. We both work overseas, which has caused an immense amount of pain and separation. Despite that, we’ve generally succeeded in overcoming those hurdles, and our friends often comment on our solidarity. However, I realise that my biggest concern is our lack of conversation. In all other aspects our relationship is fine and often very good, but I have a constant, nagging desire to have a nourishing conversation and share ideas and opinions, either seriously or with humour. The lack of it has been my biggest disappointment. I’m now in my thirties and would eventually like to get married, and wonder if I should compromise on this one issue or accept that its regular recurrence as a theme in our arguments is answer enough. Perhaps this is something over which compromise is not possible? Any guidance would be so very welcome to provide some peace and give us both a clear path, either together or apart.

I can’t help wondering if what you’re actually asking for is change. I know you feel you're prepared to compromise, but the constant break-ups tell a different story. So do the reconciliations.

It could be that frustration and rejection in the face of what seems like stubborn, contrary silence cause you to become critical and demanding. That provokes arguments and, after one too many, you split up. A little later, longing and regret kick in and you start to think it wasn’t so bad after all. You decide your boyfriend has other, wonderful virtues, and if you could only be gentler in your approach, it might encourage him to change. So you go back and it’s great for a while. You manage to keep a lid on your frustrations and he’s also trying hard to please, but, eventually, good behaviour turns into real behaviour. Reality bites and so do all those good intentions. That’s when the arguments start again and I’ll bet they always contain the same punch line: “Why can’t/don’t/ won’t you . . . ?”

We all know those arguments, and they always, but always, come from trying to make someone else into the person we would like them to be. “If only they were \ more communicative/ tidier/more romantic/didn’t work so hard, then our relationship would be fantastic.” It rarely seems to occur to us that the other person is not going to change, not because they don’t want to please us, but because, fundamentally, that’s the way they are.

Trying to change another person is a highway to hell — for both of you. Your introvert boyfriend is not, overnight, going to blossom into an extrovert. Some people just are reticent. It’s their character style — their hard-wiring, if you like — so even the most desperate desire to please the person they love is destined to fail. Worse, the constant (even if unspoken) pressure to change makes them feel unlovable. Why? Because the message is that they are unacceptable as they are. That, in turn, sets up resentment, which builds until they withdraw or lash out; the subtext being “If you don’t love me as I am, forget it”.

The only people we can change are ourselves. We could, for example, change our expectations. We could learn to be tolerant and compassionate. We can work hard around issues of acceptance. We can learn to love the foibles that irritate us. Now, all that works very well — but only if we feel that our basic emotional needs are being met. In other words, if we also feel loved and accepted for who we are. Somebody can be quiet and unforthcoming, but still inspire us with an unshakeable confidence that we are cherished and appreciated. However, if we feel a partner’s lack of communication is a rejection of our most tender feelings (in other words, our own hard-wiring), then it’s not going to work.

So, what we have to do is face up to our own needs. Fundamental emotional needs are difficult to compromise on — as you have already discovered. We all need certain (often quite different) things to be genuinely content. In order to discover what those might be, we have to ask ourselves some hard questions. What are the areas in a relationship where we simply cannot compromise? Twisting ourselves into a pretzel to suit another person or to hang onto a relationship is never going to work in the long term. Neither does asking another person to supply an emotional need that is actually our responsibility.

Then there is our belief system. We may believe our romantic partner should satisfy all our needs. Is that true, or could we accept what they are able to give us and find the rest elsewhere — from friends and family?

What’s required here is both rigorous honesty and unflinching self-examination. One of your basic needs may be communication — in any relationship, not just your present one. There is nothing wrong with that. If it really matters to you, it matters. As to how much, the only person who can answer that question is you.

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld.

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