I have a new candidate for the world’s worst thing ever. It’s worse than
traffic wardens, than call centres, than toast always landing banana side
down.
It’s worse than paper cuts, toe stubs and missing the last train home by one
minute because it left two minutes early. It’s EasyJet’s speedy boarding.
The name is bad enough. “Can all the speedy boarders come to the front?”
inquires the schoolmistressish lady down the Tannoy, as if she were saying:
“Can all the total losers come to the front?”
At which point, you have to come forward all urgently and pushily, and say: “I
am a speedy boarder.” Thus allowing all the nonspeedy boarders trying to
bundle onto the plane way before their turn to look at you hatefully and
mouth the word “loser” at you as you elbow preejaculatorily past.
It used to be farcical. You used to speedy-board the bus, wait for everyone
else to unspeedy-board, then get on the actual plane en masse. You were, in
effect, paying to be first onto the bus, but last onto the plane. Now the
system has been tightened.
Clearly, a militant gang of die-hard speedy boarders kicked up a fuss, so now
you speedy-board a special bit of the bus, then speedy-board the plane as
well. Some poor guy in a hi-vis jacket stands in front of the
speedy-boarding door, blocking a relentless onslaught of nonspeedy boarders.
He has the world’s worst job.
Last week, I was a speedy boarder. I’m not sure why. It just seemed like a box
worth ticking at the time. And it was on the bus that I really began to
regret it. I was watching as a fellow speedy boarder loudly objected to a
couple of nonspeedy boarders trying to walk through the bus into the
speedy-boarding section. Suddenly, life just seemed hugely depressing. Next
time I go, I imagine they’ll have a glass partition down the middle of the
bus. With armed guards.
But it’s so hard not to get involved. The sheer stress of waiting on a bus to
see which doors open first, worrying constantly that your fiver was money
pointlessly spent, that someone from Group B, perish the thought, might make
it onto the plane before you, is surely reason enough never to be a speedy
blimming boarder in the first blimming place. But I was, and I had become
determined.
The doors nearest to us pinged open. We had a shot at actual on-plane speedy
boarding – but no... a young mother and her baby were blocking our way. I
waited for the mother to gather her nine million accoutrements of babying. I
should probably have helped, but then I would have been stuck.
Mr and Mrs SB, behind me, were more ruthless. With a loud “ ’Scuse us, we are
speedy boarders,” they trampled past us, over the baby, out the doors and
onto the plane, knocking a few blind people and octogenarians and small,
endangered animals and priceless Ming-dynasty vases off the stairs as they
went. Nothing would stop Mr and Mrs SB.
I rushed after them, desperate to make use of my priority status, abandoning
all sense of discipline and good manners. I burst onto the plane to find the
only three seats with extra legroom at the front already taken. Five of the
six in the middle with an inch more legroom were taken too. Curses.
Two of them were now occupied by the SBs, who had split cunningly into an
aisle seat and a window seat, thus making the middle seat unattractive to
newcomers. They were pretending not to know each other in order to have all
three extra-legroom seats to themselves. SoBs.
The rest of the passengers were now boarding, all calmly taking their seats,
all still mouthing the word “loser” at me because I’d spent the past 40
minutes in a big sweat about being first onto a plane where all the seats
are the goddamn same.
And my wife was mouthing the word “divorce”, because they were right ... I am
a loser.
It was then that I snapped. I abandoned my regretful wife, walked back over to
the SoBs, who were still studiously avoiding eye contact with each other or
anyone else, and asked if Mrs SoB in the aisle seat could let me through.
I had called their bluff. And this is why speedy boarding is worse, even, than
your bag of shopping bursting just near your front door and your bottle of
gin smashing all over your microwave curry. So wound up and unreasonable had
I become, I’d made the decision to fly the three hours to Marrakesh stuck
between two of the most annoying people on the planet, rather than next to
my own beloved, stroppy wife.
It was worth it, though. I have very pointy elbows.
Speedy boarding is just one of Easyjet's scams to make money. I never use it but I did succumb to their discount shopping scam, not realising that it meant they sold my bank account details to a third party who have been filching £8 a month out of my account. I stopped them! Have you?
James Hill, Edinburgh, Scotland
Agian experienced the Speedy Boarding- but I am one of thise handing over £100 for the years privalege.
One thre occasions now there has been no one on the desks at Liverpool, Berlin and Basel.
And the most anoying was Liverpool where I watched the normal line advance quicker.
J Knowles, Warrington, UK
This is one of the funniest articles I've read in ages. I admit I'm a speedy boarder *blushes* because I suffer claustrophobia and like to sit near front of plane near door (don't ask me why - I know I can't get out mid air! It's totally irrational!). This really made me laugh though!
Mel, Bath, UK
as a novice speedy boarder I wish I hadn't bothered but thanks to everyone for their comments and I will heed all the advice given when I travel through Gatwick this summer. i haven't laughed so much in ages---brilliant comedy.
Meg, Aberdeen,
not tried SB but I used to fly from Dundee to LCY and the plane had 30 seats, all allocated and most of the passengers all went rushing for the door the minute they were called. Probably cause they were all MP's or MSP's and we were paying
tom Easson, forfar, scotland
I've beaten speedy many times before, often because theres stairs at the back door of the plane before the front, ive successfully managed to be sat in a seat with more legroom than BA without paying a penny for SB.
Ben, Preston,
Last time I used the speedy boarding option, when we were called, about 150 of the 200 passengers stood up.. When everyone pays the extra £5, it ceases to be interesting!
blec29, paris, france
I would never pay for SB and haven't ever had a problem getting a seat. I usually go for the window seat and my husband the aisle. Not because we are cunning but neither of us likes the middle one! We are both very sociable so no problem to meet a new aquaintance sitting in the middle!!!
Christine O'Neill, South Croydon, Surrey
Good I admit it I am a snob! I was travelling from Poland the other day and I sat in my chair until the very last minute (whilst all the other eager beavers were all standing for over 40 mins beforehand) and I just swooped past them with my speedy pass and got on the plane first! wonderful!
Joanna, London,
The issue is not what SB stands for in the social stakes, but the argument for not allocating seats. If you travel with young children, then you are boardered in the same way as any non SB. This means the boarding is slow as you try and find 2 or 3 seats together. EJ gain nothing from the policy
maerk scott, Tonbridge, UK
I always board last. Why rush to sit somewhere that you're stuck in for the next few hours? No Stress or hassle, and it does makes me laugh seeing all the headless bores rushing to the plane for what? People, they're so daft.
Neil , Walkerburn,
I travel regularly between Malaga and London and I've come to the conclusion that Speedy Boarding only attracts the snobs. As they don't have the means to fly British Airways first class they choose the SB option to differentiate themselves from the "lumpen masses".
Mark, Marbella, Spain
Cecile - Fancy splitting you up from your teenagers - were they not weeping with discontent? And to help a young Mum and small kids too - they're sooo undeserving! Did you say she had only 2 children, to your 4- oh the injustice! I hope I get to sit next to you on your next flight - how we'll laugh!
Chris, Newcastle, UK
I agree with Cecile; they should introduce allocated seating. ClickAir has it, so why not adopt it even if they are not first in introducing it.
Having said that I always try to fly with hand luggage only so can print my own boarding card and by-pass check in at the airport.
Chris, Welwyn, UK
Cecile - you should have stood your ground and let the young mum and kids sit apart. You got there first after all. She could have moved as fast as you what with 2 kids and a load of accessories. I hope you made them feel awful. Some people!
Dave, Windsor, UK
Maybe everybody is just desperate to get out of the country?
Jon Leigh, Southern, France
My family of 4 including two teenagers boarded in Group B last night, yet found seats together. 10 mins later the flight attendant split us up so that a young mum with two small kids could sit together, even though she had the opportunity to board early!
EZ Jet shd introduce online seat selection !!
Cecile, Nice, France
Its about time Ryan air Easy jet etc, capitulated on this and booked seats, the priority boarding thing is a joke, it doesn't work, and those disadvantaged by having Kids or being old are discriminated against, The most aggressive and rudest and strongest, passengers get to sit together
Hugo Chav, Nottingham, UK
I fly EJ twice a month, having been literally knocked to the tarmac in the rush to board, I tried Speedy Boarding, it did not work in Bristol and it certainly did not work in Alicante, EJ should go back to the drawing board. pay to pre-book seats by all means, down to freedom of choice surely!!
monica, cheltenham, uk
LOL, what a fun article and how brace to spoil Mr and Mrs SB's three seats gambit. Well done!
Geoffrey, Belfast,
I have to fly EJ frequently, have come to accept that it's boarding system is a joke and board last. Last Friday they outdid themselves. Our flight was delayed by 8 hours and when they called the "speedy-boarders" to come forward around midnight, we all burst out laughing.
Susanna, London,
Thanks for the great article on 'speedy-boarding', Matt. When reading it, tears of laughter were running down my face!
When I take my next flight with EasyJet in July though it will probably not be quite so amusing!!
SJ, Lincs,
I found your article hilarious, as someone who will be flying with easy jet in the summer with kids and not in a speedy boarding way I await the experience with anticipation. The kids already think I have gone mad for going on a "Budget" airline.
sian tingley, Richmond, Surrey
Take a pill to chill! Easy jet!! Speedy Boarding! Don´t pay extra for the privilege of a fight for a seat beside your fellow travellers. Don't pay to run to be first at the check in and last off the bus! Careful on the stairs! Where is Health and Safety?
Make it EASY! Book our Seats pre boarding!
Lorraine Tracey, kilmacolm, Inverclyde
I have often wondered whether or not it was worth paying the extra £5 for speedy boarding, but even if you are near the end of the queue, me and my partner have always found very nice seats thank you. Some passengers still think they are flying Concorde - I believe they are termed 'old money'.
geoff, London, uk
Accept it and enjoy it (sic) while it lasts. In 10 years time, when flying once more becomes a luxury and preserve of the wealthy, we'll wonder what all the fuss was about. The airline business model, never mind the low cost business model, was never designed to operate on $135 oil.
SS, Edinburgh,
Worry when this sort of behaviour comes naturally - I took a scheduled flight recently and it was a combination of pleasant surprise as well as shock to me as I'd forgotten that boarding a plane needn't necessarily mean participating in a bun fight to get to the 'best' seats first. Scary really!
Gail, Western, France
Why bother with Speedy Boarding at all? Accept that you are flying with a lo-co, the sector length is unlikely to be greater than 3 hours and the flight will never depart on time. Accept it: the flight will be less stressful.
Christian, Carlisle,
Yes Rich I do and I am. Life's great lottery has given me that disadvantage.
Matt, Henley,
Recently, at Newquay Airport , ( where one has to pay an unpublished £5 per passenger development tax) Ryanair passengers who had paid for priority boarding were not called forward at the departure gate, so they scrambled just like everyone else.
Willem, Spain
willem boschman, javea,
the problem with the seats with the extra leg room is they are taken up by the tallest of our species who are ofter the widest of our species as well.
Rich, Geddinge, UK